My Twisted Dreams Lately… The Kung Fu Jew! (a dream)

The past two nights I’ve had two strange dreams. I thought I’d share them for your pleasure (or pain).

Dream Number One

The night before last I dreamed that I was talking to Clayton Moore (the actor that played the Lone Ranger in the black and white TV series). He was very angry because he thought that he should have starred in the new movie with Johnny Depp. He was getting really loud and animated.

Then the scene expanded and I came to realize that we were at a funeral which made his raving worse. So I looked up at the casket and it was Tonto. He was all dressed up in his Native clothes. Clayton kept yelling and getting louder and louder. All of the sudden Tonto sat up in his casket and said “Shut the hell up Kimosabe, I’m trying to be dead here!!”  (It was actually way more frightening in the dream…  trust me).  Then I woke up…

Dream Number Two

Last night I dreamed that I wanted to be trained by a Kung Fu master. Now some of this might sound funny in real life, but in the dream it was all very serious. Anyway, I had this neighbor down the street who was a Kung Fu master and a grocery man. He was a very nice, older Jewish Rabbi who had a grocery business that delivered Kosher groceries to various food marts and restaurants. He had this truck (kind of like the old fashioned bread trucks) with a huge logo on the side that said “Kung Fu Jew“. Nobody ever messed with him, so I thought I’d train under him.

He took me under his wing and began to teach me the mind of the Kung Fu master. I began to go out on the routes with him and deliver groceries. But I was not allowed into the establishments since I was unclean. I would unload the groceries and put them on a cart and he would go inside to deliver them and then bless their kitchens. He told me I was learning discipline and hard work (very Karate Kid, I know). I did my very best to keep a good attitude along the way and made sure to act in a humble way every day.

One day we arrived at one of our stops earlier than normal. He stopped the truck and he said to me… “Today is the day you learn to be a Ninjew” (I wish I was making this up…) He told me that I had demonstrated hard work, discipline and humility. He said my soul was prepared for the next step. I was excited and SO ready to be a Ninjew. I asked him what I needed to do. He told me that I needed to believe in G_d and that it helps if I’m fast. I told him that I do believe in G_d and that I’m somewhat fast. He believed me and prayed for me in Hebrew. When he was finished he hopped out of the truck and we proceeded to unload the groceries. But this time, he told ME to wheel in the cart.  I couldn’t believe it!!  I was finally going to be a Ninjew!!!

I wheeled the cart into the dock on the back of this establishment. As I entered the back room, the people inside began clapping for me. One by one, they came up and shook my hand. Some said kind words in English, others said things in Hebrew or maybe it was Yiddish. I was glowing as I rolled that cart through the store.

Finally an older man came to me and said “Son, you may now come back with us to learn the art of the Ninjew.” I followed them to the back room. It was an old fashioned room with wood paneling and very comfortable couches. We all sat down and played backgammon.  Then I woke up…


Now I know that you may be thinking that this sounds like some sort of Monty Python or Weird Al comedy sketch… and it does to me too while I’m awake. But in the dream all of it was super real. Sure the puns are funny now, but in the dream they were absolutely real and no one was laughing.

At the end of the day (or should I say night?), I’m left with a sense of loss. What could have been. I almost get the impression that these wise old dudes were going to reveal some amazing secrets to me over a friendly game of backgammon. I feel like I could have awakened with a new revelation. But instead, I wake up an ordinary man who delivered groceries and played some backgammon. But I still believe in G-d and I’m still somewhat fast (no I’m not).

Sweet Dreams,