Dear Grandma,

I can’t tell you how much I miss you.  No, I’m still not over it.

Maybe I am jealous.  This world has only darkened in the decades since you’ve left us.  It’s an awful place, full of hatred, anxiety, sorrow, uncertainty and death.  It’s unredeemable in my eyes.  I guess it’s a good thing that mine are not the eyes to have the final judgment on it.

Remember when I was a young child, I made you promise me that you would never die?  Then you died.  I know it wasn’t your fault.  But I wanted to die with you.  I still do.  I don’t like it here Grandma.  It’s such a lonely world…

I loved you with all of my little kid heart.  Then I loved you with all my teenage heart.  And I want to thank you.

Thanks for loving me so much.  It meant the world to me.  More than the world, in fact.  There is a gaping hole in my heart that used to be filled up by your affection.  I try to remind myself that this void used to be you.  So when it seems too big to cope with, I try to remember that your love was that big.

So thank you.  Because of you I know that this world is capable of supporting love.  It is capable of selflessness and deep compassion.  Because of you I can recognize Grace.

But why does God see fit to take the lights of Grace from our world so soon?  I know that you know all the answers now.  And I imagine that you probably want to put a soft hand on my shoulder and explain it to me.  But I guess that’s not permissible.

I want you to know that I still think about you every day. Did you know that I wrote and recorded two songs for you?  One was called “Annabel” and the other “Wasting Away”.  In fact, my friend Jimmy recorded a version of Wasting Away too.

I’m sorry Grandma…  I didn’t turn out like I should have.  I’m ashamed of myself quite often.  I hope you can forgive me.  I know you would never say it, but I have a lot of disappointment in myself.  I wanted you to be proud of me not because you were supposed to be, but because I earned it.  But I haven’t earned it.

Grandma, I’m scared.  I hope I make it to heaven.  I hope I’ll get to see you again.  I do miss you so much and I hate it here.  So no matter what happens, please ask God to give me some of your Grace back.