Words mean things. They carry weight, experience, memories and emotions that can be reflections or be reflective of the places we are at any given moment.
Occasionally I wake up in the middle of the night following some dream that I can no longer remember. But the dream must have been tragic because an intense feeling of utter loss and hopelessness covers me and makes me physically sick to my stomach. I can’t explain the rhyme or reason for these events. But they impact me for a day or two afterwards.
What does that have to do with words? Well, in the day to day walk of my life a simple word can revive those powerful feelings. I realize that sounds like some sci-fi movie theme where the CIA has brainwashed me and can trigger behavior by the utterance of a simple word. No, that’s not it.
It just depends on how I come across that word. Maybe I hear it in a certain context or read it a little differently. That is precisely what happened today.
I read the simple word “forever”. Immediately, my soul felt an immense emptiness… an emptiness that seems inescapable and utterly hopeless. I peer deep into it and see nothing but an eternity of inky nothingness. Now I can assure you that this is not some psycho-spiritual metaphor about my Faith or final destiny. I believe absolutely in my Lord Jesus and am not afraid for my place in the afterlife. But…
It must be something, right? Any of you psychologists out there? Do I have some deeply seeded fear that I haven’t come to grips with or even realized yet? Perhaps. Why the word forever?
Because it’s forever? What is forever that we know of? Our souls, our God… His Kingdom. Those are positive things. Great things. Those are things of hope, not despair.
So maybe my subconscious thoughts on ‘forever’ are a thousand sunsets, ten thousand thunderstorms or twenty thousand spring days where the flowers are in bloom and the world begins to come back to life. Maybe the concept is more relative and just represents a very long time into my life? If that is the case what is the fear that drains my soul?
Is it the thought of spending a thousand sunsets without the company of my late grandparents or other loved ones who have passed through our world and now reside in heaven? Is it the sorrow of taking in the safety and shelter from a storm with no one to love or to love me? Or is it spending one more spring season like the last few dollars in my wallet and wondering how many more I will afford?
I don’t have the answers and I know that there are plenty of possibilities. But, needless to say, I could do without these kind of dreams and feelings. They are not welcome in my heart and mind, but they don’t seem to be deferred by that.
Because of this, I am asking God to show me what it is that I am to learn from them. When we pray that He removes a thorn from our lives and He doesn’t do it, we must examine the details more closely. It is in those details that we will find Him at work.
I am willing to bet that He has some soul healing in mind for me… Maybe I have successfully filtered out hurts during most of my conscious moments. The good news is that I trust Him. I know He knows what’s best for me, even when I don’t. We are always better on the other side when we walk with God and let Him deal in the details. But if you read my last blog entry, you will know that I require a lot of prayer in my moment to moment belief. So I appreciate your prayers.
peace and love,