Among the many great lyrics penned by U2’s Bono, my favorite is “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For“. This contemplative, yearning song has been praised by critics as one of the greatest songs ever and condemned by the church that questions the validity of Bono’s salvation. I relate to these lyrics so often in my life… as a Believer. Condemn me if you must, but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you.
I have run, I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.
I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her finger tips
It burned like fire
(I was) burning inside her.
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.
I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colours will bleed into one
Bleed into one.
But yes, I’m still running.
You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross of my shame
Oh my shame, you know I believe it.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.
See, I’m still looking for many things in my life. Yes, I have found Jesus. I am saved by His grace and His sacrifice. But there are holes all throughout my heart. Each of these holes are missing and incomplete parts of me. I know that Jesus wants to fill these holes. I know that with my obedience and willing heart He will fill most of them. Because some of these holes are unheeded callings and paths I haven’t walked yet. Some are losses and failures. And some of the holes were made by me and were never supposed to be there in the first place.
Some of these holes sit in the landscape of my heart like mysterious, ancient landmarks that no one can explain. And God has been silent about them. Perhaps it’s not the time to learn about them. But they ache and they hurt. So I look for the answers. I petition God. But there is silence. I tell myself it’s just not the time. So I look but I do not find what I’m looking for.
I know that His grace is sufficient for me. When I walk through these waterless places, He is with me… Even when He is silent.
Jesus speaks to us in many ways… Through the Bible, through other Believers, through the Holy Spirit. Many times we are looking so hard for the answers that we don’t hear Him. But sometimes He is silent. Sometimes, we are supposed to wait on Him and trust Him. We are supposed to learn that He loves us more than we can understand and that He doesn’t want that aching in our hearts. We are supposed to understand that this is His nature. But sometimes we are busy digging new holes.
It’s been a dark six months or so for me. I’ve been trying to hold on to His mercy and grace. I’ve been trying to be a servant and let Jesus work through me to bless others. I’ve been striving to be obedient. Every day is a brave face for me and a willful attempt to follow Jesus. Every day I am making a conscious choice to be a willing heart for Him. But I am still aching. And I am still looking for something. But I haven’t found it yet.
It’s times like these that we really need the grace and mercy of God. He always has our best interest in mind… Even when we don’t know what’s in our best interest. Bono said it best when he talked about grace in the book “Bono On Bono” –
“It’s a mind-blowing concept that the God who created the Universe might be looking for company, a real relationship with people, but the thing that keeps me on my knees is the difference between Grace and Karma…
You see, at the centre of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out comes back to you; an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics – in physical laws – every action is met by an equal or opposite one. Its clear to me that Karma is at the very heart of the universe. I’m absolutely sure of it.
And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that “As you reap, so will you sow” stuff. Grace defies reason and logic. Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff.
That’s between me and God. But I’d be in big trouble if Karma was going to finally be my judge. I’d be in deep sh*t. It doesn’t excuse my mistakes, but I’m holding out for Grace. I’m holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross because I know who I am, and I hope I don’t have to depend on my own religiosity.
The point of the death of Christ is that Christ took on the sins of the world so that what we put out did not come back to us, and that our sinful nature does not reap the obvious death. That’s the point. It should keep us humbled….its not our own good works that get through the gates of heaven…
If only we could be a bit more like Him, the world would be transformed. All I do is get up on the Cross of the Ego; the bad hangover, the bad review. When I look at the Cross of Christ, what I see up there is all my sh*t and everybody else’s. So I ask myself a question a lot of people have asked: Who is this man? And was He who He said He was, or was he just a religious nut? And there it is, and that’s the question. And no one can talk you into it or out of it.”
I hope you are all blessed today. Remember those who seek in your prayers.
peace,
r