After my dad died back in 2016… the way he died… Unexpectedly… I spent the next 10 years unpacking all the why’s and what should have beens.  I thought I had it figured out and properly compartmentalized.  But there always remained these pangs of an unsettled heart each and every time another loved one crosses the veil…  Like the faint sound of a lost child whimpering from the depths of a deep cave.

Recently, I began to examine the word “unexpectedly”.  I don’t believe Dad should have crossed over. He died due to complications from a botched surgery.  The surgery was fairly routine and he was expected to pull through just fine.  But it wasn’t just a botched routine surgery that has had me using this word “unexpectedly”…

You see, my dad had just recently realized the calling that was on his life for many years. He was called to be a pastor. Sure he was in ministry so much of his life. Whether that be counseling at the altar or marriage counseling, he was always obedient. But he had finally become Pastor Dale. And he loved it so much.  He got to do that for just over a year before his passing… Unexpectedly.

Unexpectedly… This word insinuates that I know something of how the world is going to work. It implies that I’ve already planned for certain outcomes whether in my conscious or subconscious mind.  And in fact, if we are honest, we all operate this way daily.  This can largely exclude the sovereignty of God as an outcome possibility… And even though when forced to confront that logic, the Believer knows that God is ultimately in control. Yet we still operate under expectations that we each hold individually and collectively. In this case, logic and common sense asks why would a man who is just now walking into his calling need to die?  When he was too young?  When the surgery was routine?  When we still needed him?  This is unexpected…

One of my favorite lyricists of all time is Leonard Cohen. Mr. Cohen wrote tons of incredible songs. One of his more popular songs is called “If It Be Your Will”.  I adore this song for so many reasons. There is a humility in it that is downright worshipful.  The song beautifully expresses a sentiment of complete surrender to the sovereignty of God. I won’t quote you all the lyrics. Go look it up yourself. It’s a wonderful song.

But listening to that song today, and really diving into that surrender to the sovereignty of God made me think of something about dad.  My “unexpectedly” was nevertheless, God’s will.  If the Psalmist and Job are to be believed, then God has our very moments already numbered.  

If I believe that God has sovereignty over life and over death, then there is no such thing as unexpectedly. At least not for Him. And yes, this reopens wounds. But it also allows for a fresh perspective and one that includes the mighty grace and purpose of God.

“Unexpectedly” put a spark of doubt in my heart that somehow God wasn’t there for my dad… or for me.  It is not an overt accusation against the Lord.  It is far more subtle than that. It is a small crack in the foundation of my trust in God.  I pretend it’s not really a big deal. But there it is, slowly eroding everything around it.

And now I get to confront that spark of doubt that has been living in here for 10 years.  It is my complete belief that the Holy Spirit has something amazing to teach me through this.  My Pastor is fond of saying that we can’t even make a flower.  I think it is time for me to cast my care upon His sovereignty.